Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
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[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
You can’t outrun your problems…
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
what the hell pray for carter everyone
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
That was easy.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Did…did a minotaur write this