The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
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Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
pep talk
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel