Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Hamburger Hinderer.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto