If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
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“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it