I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
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On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.