Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
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*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
I can’t stop laughing at this
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Who wants to be my Valentine?
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.