the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
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me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Liquor Store Parking
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”