FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
You Might Also Like
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.