Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
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At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?