Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
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netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Monday Lisa
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.