love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
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So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
plums roundup
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.