I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
You Might Also Like
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.