There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
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Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Not my job 😂
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.