My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
You Might Also Like
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server