No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
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If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
⚠️ Important Reminder:
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”