Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
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*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Love this guy
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.