Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
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“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.