if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
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It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.