Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
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If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?