I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
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If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Blew my mind.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower