I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
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[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
This is my bus stop.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
my dad when a sex scene comes on
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.