I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
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Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
what’s more important?
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.