me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
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[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
sistine chapel
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Tony Hawk, age 6
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers