Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
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me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”