Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
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Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.