Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
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My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.