Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
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*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”