Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
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If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor