6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
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the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once