Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
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*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.