thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
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why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.