General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
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If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Has science gone too far?
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.