Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
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doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
No point crayon over spilled milk.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.