Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
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🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt