“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
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The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”