[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
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Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Stop it! 😂
who wants to go expliring
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.