Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
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twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅