I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
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Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.