Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
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My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.