You Might Also Like
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*