If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
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waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Not today, today.
Not today.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
*Inspirational Tweets*
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived