6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
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this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Anyone want a chair?
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
kevin is now a local weatherman
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
📽️movie date🎞️
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.