me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
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wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Social distancing in Australia:
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people