“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
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I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
how long have you had this for?
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
🤣✨#caturday
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?