If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
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Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
This is true.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes