Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
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Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.