“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
You Might Also Like
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
consequences, the bane of my existence
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds