My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
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There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
“you recording!?”
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.