The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
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7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.