“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
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Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
When I said I liked it rough.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.